It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 32. While I feel like acting 22 on a lot of days, some days I really act 42. And the rest, well I just feel like I’m in my thirties. Having a kid makes you feel old. Chasing around a two year old makes you feel old. But having a kid keeps you young, and playing with a two year old makes you feel young again. My mom turned 60 yesterday. Yes, we share a birthday, among other things like stubbornness and bossiness. What will it be like when I turn 60? What will the world and politics and the weather be like? Will my daughter be married and have kids? Will everyone I love and cherish still be alive?

My sister and I found a cool idea on Pinterest for my mom’s 60th and we’ve been gathering memories from friends and relatives. Along with a TON of baby and young adult photos for a whole photo journal experience. It’s not finished, but I have the groundwork done to show my mom today. I hope she likes reading over everything as much as I did. There have been wonderful stories that I didn’t know about my mom, and wonderful sentiment from all her friends. I guess you can love a person and not realize how much they are loved and appreciated out of your family circle.

This weekend was very rough for me. I was very emotional, exhausted, frustrated and hopeless.

It’s just, I can’t see. After my stroke over a week ago, I lost the lower right quadrant of eye sight in both of my eyes. While some has returned with aggressive aspirin and Plavix therapy, I’m still missing a bunch. Like when I sit and look at the computer screen I can see maybe 2/3rds. So I type almost with my eyes closed, writing the words and letting my fingers remember the keys. Then when I am finished I proofread, hanging my head to the right so I can catch more of a glimpse. I have an easier time reading on my iPhone, and typing in small amounts is easy with the auto-correct. But my work is mainly done on the computer, which is pretty impossible right now. And I feel like a slacker, like with all the hospital and medical bills coming in maybe I should just get on it a bit. But then I get a raging headache from straining too much on the screen.

Cooking is challenging, especially cutting with sharp knives. Things like raw vegetables or meat must be cut very carefully.

Driving, well that’s impossible right now. Even if I already had my surgery and was allowed off basic bed rest, I can’t see well enough.

I tried putting on mascara today, the first time in over a week. I didn’t poke either eye out, so I consider that a small miracle!

We are taking it day by day. But it was hard over the weekend having so many people in and out of the house to help. I miss the solitude and quiet of just having my little family at home, along with a normal daily schedule and the ability to run to the store quickly.


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