BIG Feelings on New Homes and Adoption

I guess being in a new place and doing lots of new things can bring out the best (and worst) in people. For our kids, there were lots of nerves and manic activity surrounding and during our trip. None of them had ever been on a plane (not too rare for a 6, 7 and 9 year old). None of them had been to the ocean (again, not too rare for young children in a land-locked state). None of them had been to a zoo (still not surprising for kids who live at least three hours from the closest zoo). They had never rented a car. It was only their third time staying in a hotel. There are lots of questions from kids about renting a car! And flying in airplanes! They were wonderful and so excited and really made the trip awesome. It’s like when you finally get to celebrate Christmas with your kids for the first time and see the wonder in their eyes. To get to experience everything for the first time again through your children is awesome.

It’s also sad. They get such anxiety over things that are routine for many families. They act like crazy people when you introduce new things like going to the zoo. They don’t know how to act. It’s like being in a foreign country and not understanding the customs. They have to be taught proper manners and how to act in new situations. These kids have been in foster care four out of the last five years. They never went on vacation with their families (save a few camping trips).

The kids talked about things on the trip they never mentioned to us before. They opened up as they begin to trust us and as they attach. We know it’s a long process but it is nice to get more information.

Little Man was not allowed to do sports in the past, his foster family told him that it’s too dangerous for foster kids. Mind you, his foster brothers, one who is the biological son and one who is adopted, did multiple sports. He’s a natural athlete and excels in sports so it just makes me sad. He also said that in his previous foster home he shared a room with the adopted son and the biological son slept on the sofa. Our middle daughter shared a room with a fourteen year old girl whose boyfriend regularly slept over.

Little Man also told us that he didn’t want to go home (to our house) because it’s creepy. He has a habit of using “being scared” of something as an excuse not to do something. But this was the first time that he actually talked about not wanting to be in our house. So when we got back last night we let him choose one of the dogs to sleep in his room. He picked Chuck, the big Saint Bernard/lab mix. When I went in this morning to get Little Man up for school, he was cuddling with Chuck on his bed! He was a happy camper and seemed to love having a big protective dog with him. Chuck loved the attention too! He’s such an easy going dog that he was happy to have extra cuddles.

It was also interesting to spend a week with my parents, sister and her family. It was the first extended time that we got to be around them with all of the kids. I would consider my relationship with my sister and her husband strained. It is stressful. I feel like I have to walk on tiptoes around them and bow to their schedule and preferences. Even though we spent a week at the resort for my sister’s birthday, my sister only came for five days. Each of those days we were limited to my nephew’s naps and eating schedule. I totally understand having a 10 month old, but I also don’t feel like they should rule your life. So my family did a bunch of things while they were giving their son two different two hour naps a day in the hotel room. They also were not very flexible with where or when they ate so we pretty much had one meal together each day. It was disappointing.

On my sister’s birthday, for example, we got our kids ready and headed down to the pool/ocean by 9:00. My nephew napped and they joined us around 11:00. At noon they went to get lunch at the poolside restaurant while we just ordered poolside and ate next to the pool. I guess they were concerned that my nephew couldn’t eat poolside. After they ate they went back to the hotel room to give my nephew his second nap. We went back to the hotel room around 3:00 to get ready for dinner, then we had dinner and they put their son down to bed. So we saw them for maybe four hours out of the day.

It was also interesting to see how my parents, sister and her family related to the new kids. They are still getting to know the kids and their personalities, and I know it can be a lot of noise until you get used to it. But they just weren’t as welcoming as I hoped. I guess it will come with time but they also were not very balanced with their attitudes towards the new kids versus their behavior with Little One. My sister also doesn’t think she will be coming up for the kids’ adoption day. I guess I just never believed people when they said that their families treated their adoption differently from having a biological child. My sister and her husband were at the hospital right after I gave birth to Little One. They came to her baptism and first birthday. I guess I just never realized that Adoption Day to them wouldn’t be as big of a deal for them as it is for us.


2 thoughts on “BIG Feelings on New Homes and Adoption

  1. It’s tough isn’t it? Mimi over on ComplicatedMelodi is finalizing today and earlier this week she talked about how little excitement was being made over Adoption Day among her peeps. Hope and I only had super close family and even for them it seemed odd, but they came and played their roles. Our preconceived views of the world can really stump us sometimes. I’m glad you had some breakthroughs on your trip. You’re doing great!

    • Thank you for the encouragement! I have lots of non-family that want to come for the adoption (friends, caseworker, coworkers) so it will be weird without the usual family support. The kids will be happy with cake and balloons but my feelings will be hurt. Something I have to get over!

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