Grief

Grief hits you at funny times and in funny places. Today is my fourth wedding anniversary. We are pretty low key with our anniversaries so we just exchange cards. But it is definitely on my mind today.

Today Little One had a Trike a Thon to raise money for her preschool. Sure I got her ready and dressed this morning. Sure I drove her to school. I walked her to class and gave her a big hug. But when she walked out in her little helmet with her class I was a bucket of tears! She looked so big! Her 3t pants from last year are ankle pants. She is so serious, she takes school very seriously. At home she’s a crazy spitfire but when she’s in public she’s a lot more concentrated. I see a lot of me and a lot of my husband in her personality. The other moms cheered on the kids and I just watched as Little One was lapped by the bigger and more physically able boys in her class. She was annoyed that they were lapping her and some were bumping into her. She took her time, taking in the scenery and enjoying her bike.

I got back out to the car afterwards and cried. I haven’t cried that hard in a long time. I’m not sure if it is because of the crazy week or my anniversary or hormones or that my baby is not a baby any more.

Yesterday one of my friends posted on Facebook her story regarding pregnancy loss and miscarriages. She was so brave and I commended her for talking about it publicly. She never told me so I didn’t know she had dealt with so much loss. I don’t know if my subconscious is messing with me or if the post really stirred up some strong feelings about my miscarriage a year and a half ago. Should I have a baby in my arms? Is my body still reeling from a miscarriage, a stroke and treatment for TB all within a year? Ugh. Sounds like a lot.

I don’t know if I have grieved that loss, or grieved the idea in general that I will not bear any more children. I will not have any more babies to snuggle. My baby is almost four and majorly independent. Did it hit me today like a MAC truck? Or was it something else all together?

I don’t know. But maybe I should take some alone time to think about how I feel about all of this. It’s a lot to take in!

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